Oh for the love of self
The parts of me I loved fiercely as a young girl were my certainty and strength. I liked the self I was born to be.
At age 5 I was brave, with a fierce sense of right and wrong, and a natural love of myself. I wouldn't allow any other kid to talk down to me or mistreat me. I owned who I was, and I protected those I cared for. I was respected and popular in my neighborhood.
Memories of being that age pop up from time to time, as if my spirit feels the need to remind me that I was born with the ability to love and protect myself. Even as a little kid I had this, a strength and deep knowing of myself. At that time I thought everyone else had this too.
When I was 7, my family moved to a new neighborhood, and suddenly my natural love of self was gone, replaced by a picture of myself as pretender.
I felt like I didn't fit in as well into the new neighborhood as I had in the old one, it was harder to feel at ease, to simply be me. The way I felt about myself changed, I was insecure now where before I'd been sure of myself. Certainly some of this is getting older and becoming more aware of life and how it works, plus new expectations show up as we age. I was the older sister, I was expected to be responsible and take care of others now.
Meanwhile, I wanted to fit in, and so I spent many years under the illusion that my self image depended on what others thought of me.
If I didn't pass approval by whichever judges I'd appointed for myself at the moment, I had no right to love myself.
This was all unconscious, but it kinda works like this. If the people around me didn't approve, obviously I had something wrong with me that I needed to fix or solve in order to receive their okay. I'd be able to feel good about myself once I knew that others thought I was fine.
I believed it wasn't up to me how I felt about me. I didn't know myself. My relationship with me was congested with the energy from so many other people. My cart was firmly placed before my horse, and I kept trying to solve this problem from the outside, in. If only they would like me, accept me, talk to me. I gave this mythical they power over my relationship with me.
I was completely unconscious about all of this, of course. I didn't know that I didn't know this.
When I look at my life, I can see that many of the difficulties I've experienced were of my own creation, arising from a lack of self love.
I didn’t know that the decision and permission to love myself could only come from within. It didn’t seem like a lot of adults around me knew this either. I operated from the belief that once I received the stamp of approval I so very much wanted, I'd be able to feel better within myself. I also resented others when they didn't do this.
The mean kids at school, the terrible teenagers later on, the awful co-workers, snotty peers, and people who seemed to look down on me in judgment - all of them made it hard for me to love myself.
Or did they? Were any of them really my problem here? After all, I had nice loving people in my life too - friends, family, and acquaintances who were fun and thoughtful and kind. Why did I continue to worry about the ones who weren't?
Meanwhile, the adults around me were doing the same thing, they all needed approval.
So did the other kids. It was important, crucial to fit in, to be included. Everyone was trying to do this. There were cliques and groups, criteria for fitting in or being left out. Who was cool and who wasn't? Hierarchy starts when we are tiny kids.
Truthfully, I wanted to be liked and included, but as hard as I tried, I couldn't care about what some of my peers cared about.
I didn't fit into the group, but I wanted to be accepted and liked by the group, while also continuing to be my weird unique self. I didn't know it at the time, but I had no intention of matching to others, and that was just fine.
Such a dilemma: in 6th grade, the point at which it's important to fit in, I liked music that wasn't 'cool', I read books constantly, and I saw things in a way that others couldn't see. Plus I liked to wear my own fashions and some of them were weird.
This was before I went to art school and realized that my weirdness was a positive, it was the thing that made me who I am, an artist with a vision. The problem was that I still didn't love myself. Not really. Neither did many of my friends at the time.
When I became an adult, I realized what grownups have always known: adults don't know everything, and many of them operate in each waking moment from fear. I also learned the truth that just because I don't fit into a particular group doesn't mean there's something wrong with me, or with the group either for that matter. They’re just not my group.
When I allowed myself to have my spirit in my life again, I learned that my job was to love myself.
Growing my spirit has helped me to understand that self love always happens from the inside out, and that I never need anyone else to give me permission to love myself. Becoming a skilled clairvoyant and healer has helped me to turn on and open up those parts of myself that are true for me, and that is a joy to have in my life.
I don't know if I would have been able to get to the place I'm at right now if I hadn't chosen this path of growth for myself. It's not easy or perfect, and everyone has to find their own answers here, but the path to self love is well worth finding and walking.
I stopped searching for mythical mysterious approval ratings coming from somewhere outside of me.
Realizing now that others have often acted out of this same issue or picture helps me find compassion and forgiveness for them. Years later I am grateful to each and every one of the people who rejected me.
The people who you truly get, and who get you too, are the greatest of gifts, they are your people, your soul mates. The ones who reject you are a gift as well, because they will act as signposts along the way, letting you know you've strayed off course.
The really tough ones among these will help you learn to love yourself in the stormiest of weather. Find forgiveness and gratitude for them, and you'll set yourself free.
More places to find me:
My February Reading Special: Purchase a 45 or 60 minute session with me through 2/29/24, and receive a free 30 minute session for a friend. Learn more.
Listen to my podcast, The Art of Being Psychic.
I write and record my own original guided meditation recordings. Find them here.
Check out the Art of the Seer Academy for psychic classes and training. The Foundation Class is the place to begin.
Visit my art website and see what’s new! Kris Cahill’s Art
NEW: Foundation Meditation Class
Saturdays, March 2 - 23, 12:30-2:00pm EST (4 classes)
Cost: $300.00 - payable in advance. Purchase this class.
This class takes place online via webcam. Class link will be sent when you enroll.
My meditation style is an active, creative, dynamic style of meditation, which focuses on having an awareness of energy, and getting energy in movement. Meditation with an emphasis on working with the creative, imaginative part of you - your spirit, is my meditation jam.
Techniques taught in my meditation classes will give you the foundation of a meditation practice that emphasizes:
Connecting with your own unique energy, and your spirit, using real and tangible tools with impact you will notice right away in all aspects of your life.
Learn tools to be grounded and centered in your own space - anywhere, anytime.
Separate in a healthy from other people’s energy - so you can let go of what is not yours and have more of your own energy, or space to create new experiences that you want.
Discern in an immediate way what is your energy and what isn’t.
Reclaim and re-integrate your unique energy from past experiences as a way of increasing vitality, health, and well-being in both body and spirit.
Get your energy in movement in a way that validates your spirit and is comfortable for your body.
Turn on your psychic abilities in a way that does not feel overwhelming or scary - have fun doing it!
Work with your own energy to create the life you want - effortlessly.
More inspiration for the topic of self love and self acceptance, this beautiful music video: Soy Yo by Bomba Estero - read the full translated lyrics here, they are amazing!
I fell, I stopped, I walked, I got up
I went against the current and I also got lost
I failed, I found myself, I lived it and I learned from it
The harder you hit yourself the deeper is the beat, yes
I keep dancing and writing my lyrics
I keep singing with the doors open
Crossing all these lands
And you don't have to travel so much to find the answer
[Chorus]
And don't worry if they don't approve of you
When they criticize you, just say:
It's me
It's me
It's me (It's, it's, it's)
It's me (Me, me, me)
-Bomba Estero, ‘Soy Yo’
Thank you for reading and listening! Reach out if you have a request or questions. Have a great week! Kris