Being able to receive is also a gift to others

On the spirit of giving and receiving: giving away is not the same thing as giving freely.

Like many of you, I was taught the value of giving as a child. I’m grateful that I had parents who taught me how to be thoughtful and give to others. In my youthful ignorance and innocence, I assumed everyone understood that it was good to give to others, and to not be selfish. I was shocked whenever I met a kid my age who was spoiled and selfish, and whose parents didn’t correct this behavior.

Then I noticed that adults were doing this too, being selfish and self serving, and mean. This really bugged me, didn’t they know better? I am sure all the Catholic programming I experienced figured into this, with phrases like ‘it is better to give than receive’ having their way with my sensitive little healer’s brain. Way to create a martyr complex.

As the eldest girl, my mother trained me well to make sure everything was fair at all times. My sister nicknamed me ‘portion control’, because I would painstakingly portion the food so it was equal for everyone. Just doing what mom taught me.

This doesn’t mean I was some perfect angel who wanted to share everything with everyone at all times. The first born of 6 siblings, I learned early how to hide things that I wanted to protect, so the others wouldn’t steal them, wear them, or wreck them. I was pretty territorial about my stuff. There was a lot of family stuff too, things we all shared: the Barbie dolls, the massive amount of toys. But don’t you dare come near my Lite Brite if you don’t ask me first, if you know what’s good for you.

So I did what everyone in my household of 6 children, 2 adults, and 2 dogs did - I hid my most precious stuff.

You could find my favorite little treasures if you really dug around, but did you think of pulling up that corner of the shag carpeting and looking under there? Probably not, and so those treasures were safe from the invasive snooping of others. You could also find an entire six pack of Coca Cola hidden up inside the ceiling, behind the movable ceiling tiles. Don’t forget to look inside the lettuce in the fridge in case there’s a candy bar there. People from big families know what I am saying!

One of my brothers moved into a walk in closet when he was a kid, so he could have his own ‘room’. Kind of like Harry Potter’s under the staircase room at the Dursleys, except Harry is more likable than I found my brother to be back when we were kids. When he was a teenager, he set up grow lights and grew his pot plants in that closet too.

This is also about Karma, baby.

This all took on another tone as I got older, one that didn’t really work for me.

I started thinking I had to give, give, give, which led to me taking on the energy and burdens of others, and feeling bad for them. This was not done consciously on my part, it was programmed, an automatic response. I felt guilty when I was doing well, or having a lot. I realize now, after having spent years undoing all of this, that my value was tied into how much I gave. An unequal balance, one I could never win.

Really, I was creating more karma, just a continuous loop inside of this energy. The more I gave away, and tried to heal everyone by not having so they wouldn’t feel bad and get mad at me, the more karma I created. Lowering my own true ability was not what I was born to do, or meant to be doing. This is true for you as well.

From the time I was very young, it was pretty easy for me to simply have, I could just imagine something and I’d create it eventually. I was gratified to learn years later that this ability is about spirit and energy, not taking from others. Because I felt bad for simply being myself (hello trauma my old friend), I started thinking that I was wrong somehow, so I should give more. In other words, the balance tilted heavily in myself as leaning toward Giving Away.

I also knew inside of myself that this was not right, and was angry because I had so much creativity, so much energy and ability, and a large portion of it was going towards others who were unwilling to do this for themselves. As a young adult, I started to attract ‘friends’ who wanted it to be all about their pain, need, and wounds. Thankfully I also had amazing healthy more conscious friends too, who helped me see the difference. But I had to be willing to own it, to see what I was doing, and stop being the victim of the ‘friends’ who dumped on me, used my energy, and pretended to give while taking.

I am absolutely done with friends who only talk about themselves and their woes, don’t ever listen or ask me about myself, and compete with me. I have acted as a free therapist for too many people, and I will never do this to myself again.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

I had to be willing to look at myself directly, and admit I was doing this to me.

And that I was the one creating harm inside of myself by doing this. I used to get angry at these people, almost all of them women, for being so unconscious and not knowing how to listen to me ever. I was being a victim to their inability to see me, not realizing that I had given them permission to do this.

But during the pandemic, something miraculous happened for me: I started to get more conscious about this old way of being. By the time the pandemic was winding down, I knew I’d never go back to being in relationships with people who unconsciously dumped on me.

I didn’t have to fight anyone, scold them, or make them wrong. They are where they are, and those relationships helped me find me. Many of the friends I’ve made over the years I still know, or have fond memories of. The ones I left behind are a completing of karma for me. Finishing up all the old business, so I am free to create the new me without those burdens.

I’m not angry at anyone, nor do I blame them.

This lesson was for me, the woman, artist, psychic, teacher, healer, giver, creator. I had to learn for myself that my own true value is not in the giving away. I am starting to understand that in giving to myself, I’m giving to others too, without having to bleed myself dry in the process. What’s more important for me is that I am allowing myself to receive in a new way, one I was never supposed to have.

I deeply love and appreciate the people I know who practice the art of listening, as well as talking. Those who can mirror, empathize, and care are valuable allies. We can all be that for each other. And we can all choose to open up and allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to receive.

Does this speak to you in your own life? Please leave your comment if it does. Thank you for reading!

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Inspiration for Being Yourself

• I love On Being, and listen regularly. This week’s episode features Kerry Washington, and a beautiful discussion about how she sees acting as a devotional practice. Also, how did becoming an actor help her find her true self? Listen to this episode.

• From the wonderful Rob Brezsny, an excerpt from his new book, ‘Astrology is Real’:

I’m a big fan of Rob’s, and own several of his books, plus I’m a paid subscriber of his fantastic Substack. Check him out!

• I’ve just uploaded a brand new recorded meditation, called Giving & Receiving. This 37 minute meditation is about letting go of over giving, and allowing yourself to receive. It’s available for $20.00 at my website, or FREE for paid subscribers. If you’re a paid subscriber, find it below, and enjoy! Buy this meditation.

Thank you so very much for reading! Have a gorgeous week!

Kris

New Meditation Recording: Giving & Receiving

This meditation is a guided journey through yourself, and encourages you to release any of the energies you’ve taken on that demand that you give away your energy to anyone who wants it. The meditation continues with creating space for you to allow yourself to receive. Energy work is healing, and this meditation guides you through gentle ways of righting a balance within yourself about giving and receiving.

All levels of meditation experience, 37 minutes, $20.00 download or free for paid subscribers.